Baby Thoughts From Someone With No Baby

Having your first child is a life-altering experience.

At least that’s what I’ve been told. I wouldn’t know yet because my wife and I are currently waiting for the little chap to come out. In fact, at EPIC, there are currently four of us having a baby around the same time. Thankfully, everyone has rallied together and provided the proper support and care needed during this time. Plus, even in this new remote world, the team came together and delivered a video filled with advice and kind words. Some of those thoughts and advice even came from non-parents. It takes a village, right?

Before 2020, I imagined driving home from the office as fast as possible to see my baby. Because of this year of insanity, I now imagine my daily life being more along the lines of a tag-team professional wrestling match.

As a non-father about to become an actual-father, I’ve had nine months to ruminate and think about pregnancy and what the future could possibly entail for us. Let’s take a peek at the wild and weird thoughts and assumptions I’ve been making during this wait:

1. Whenever I hear Cat Stevens’ “Father and Son,” I cry. Once my son is born, I’ll probably cry at least 37% more when I listen to it.

2. Having a child is like creating a close friend that you’re able to play video games with, eventually.

3. People tell us their scary pregnancy stories, see our frightened faces, and then tell us that “everybody’s pregnancy is different.”

4. Our doctor offered a 3-D ultrasound and the resulting image made our child look like a demon spawn. While it might be a big assumption to make, I’m going to assume we haven’t been creating a demon this entire time—but you never know, right?

5. Before 2020, I imagined driving home from the office as fast as possible to see my baby. Because of this year of insanity, I now imagine my daily life being more along the lines of a tag-team professional wrestling match.

6. A child is an opportunity to re-experience youth with hindsight and wisdom, seeing the entire adventure through a fresh lens as you guide a new human through all the trials and tribulations that come with growing up and existence.

7. Also, there’s apparently a lot of poop.

8. A lot of people tell us that “pregnancy is beautiful,” but honestly, the process has mostly just sucked the energy out of my wife and given her a massive amount of heartburn while she waddles around the house—which, now that I think about it, is beautiful in its own way.

9. All of our digital advertisements are now related to baby products and feature messages that make it seem like everything in this world is out to get our baby.

10. Babies cry a lot.

I cannot wait for the challenges and celebrations of child rearing, and hopefully I’m able to glean and gather enough valuable advice to help—or spook—the next set of couples jumping into parenthood. And now more than ever, I salute the parents in our COVID world who are juggling all the responsibilities of jobs, parenting, and even e-learning. Finally, as I continue my ruminating, I’m going to leave you with some heartening lyrics from David Byrne that make me verklempt:

Little creature of love /// With two arms and two legs
From a moment of passion /// Now they cover the bed
We are creatures of love

-Talking Heads, “Creatures of Love”